Bad Religion

Heaven

On Andrew’s Mental Dribbling we attempt to answer the big philosophical questions, like ‘Does God Exist?’ and ‘Does He Have A Beard?’ Or, if not answer them, at least defer them to an authorititive source. Or, if not defer to an authoritititive source, at least quote (third-hand) a random sample of Americans from a (possibly fictitious) poll:

A new H-Net/Fritz media poll reveal that 96% of Americans who believe in God also believe that God has a beard. Of those people, 89% believe that God’s beard is white, 2% believe God grew his beard (and therefore at some time did not have a beard), while 94% believe that God has always had a beard and has never been clean shaven. 10% of Americans do not believe in God. The Reverend Brendan Powel Smith, July 2005

I think we can all agree that the matter of God’s beardiness is ultimately a matter of faith. Clean-shaven or hirsute, Jehovah’s facial hair is not a matter which can be settled by rational debate. However, quite clearly, God does not have a moustache.

Hell

…And how to get there

www.entrances2hell.co.uk

A marvelous site. Very funny. Impossible to summarise. (Okay, it’s not impossible to summarise, but you’ll enjoy discovering it for yourself, I promise.) Read the ‘letters’ page for a laugh-out-loud potpouri of admiration and flumoxed literalists.

…And what you’ll see when you do

Dial-The-Truth Ministries’ The Truth About Hell

One of these religious nutcase sites where it’s not entirely clear whether they’re serious or not , but where the sparcity of gags makes you fear that, actually, they’re for real. (“Halloween comes from ancient Baal rituals that practiced human sacrifices of children!”, “Katrina: Mother Nature or the Wrath of God?”)

…But what you probably won’t hear

There was a widely-circulated Internet legend a year or two back, claiming that Siberian scientists had recorded audio of screaming damned souls, literally from Hell, after drilling deep into the Earth’s crust. You find the story repeated from time to time among the more gullible (e.g., the Dial-The-Truth Ministries site listed above). This page is a fascinating piece of investigation into the origin of the story.

Drilling To Hell—Facts

…The Truth They tried to suppress

I would like to introduce you to the world of Dr. Dino’s “Creation Science Evangelism”. It takes the somewhat dubious position that the Earth is only 4000 years old (give or take) and that the science of evolution is wrong. It also combines the irrisistable allure of Jesus and dinosaurs. (They’re pro-dinosaur, but anti-Darwin.)

I was concerned, however, that they seemed to be missing out on another oft-ignored scientific truth, that of Hell being at the centre of the Earth (see above), so I wrote them the following email:

Dear Dr Dino,

I loved the site! Really funny.

I’m surprised you’ve missed out a section on Hell in The Centre of The Earth though. http://www.av1611.org/hell.html includes cutaway diagram of Earth, clearly showing Beelzeebub’s molten home. (http://www.entrances2hell.co.uk/ is pretty good too, but it’s certainly not as slick.)

They wrote back with

Thanks for the email,
The Bible does refer to hell’s physical location being in the center(heart) of the earth.
Matthew 12:40
For as Jonas was three days and three nights in the whale’s belly; so shall the Son of man be three days and three nights in the {heart of the earth}. Our main focus however is on creation vs. evolution.

Bit of a disappointing reply. Wasn’t sure whether they knew I was taking the piss or whether in fact they were.

Much like Jesus’ parentage, we may never discover the truth.

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